There is Life After Death.

I was having dinner with my very best friend. She was worried about me and could feel something was off. I remember sitting across from her at that table wanting to lay it all out there, but I couldn't because I had hid such a big secret for so long. Even though my soul was tormented, and telling her the truth would free me of my shame allowing me to finally be free. My fear of rejection kept me from yet again being honest. I was scared to lose out on love.

Would she still love me if she knew the truth about me?

After dinner, I walked out of that restaurant feeling worst than I did when I walked in. I felt like shit. I was lying to everyone I knew, and I had to weather this storm I created all alone. I was scared shitless. 

The year was 2017. I had just confessed to my husband that I was having an affair. I know what you're thinking, "Why would you confess?" That's a valid question. I confessed because denying my addiction kept me imprisoned to deceptive and destructive behavior. No matter how many wins I had nothing ever gave me joy or peace. My soul was diseased and getting weaker by the day.

I sat in my car contemplating suicide that night. My fears, addictions, and cycles had a hold of me. I thought to myself, "Who am I? What good am I? I can't even be honest with the people that love me most." 

Then I heard as clear as day, God reply, " I love you most, and I need you to stay alive."

I was shocked that through all of my misguided living, God loved me still. My heart sank, I wiped my puffy tear soaked eyes. I asked God where to start? With shaky hands I frantically texted my therapist, " I am thinking about killing myself."  He called right away, and talked me off of the ledge. I thank God for him. He helped save my life. My healing journey began that night.

I thank God I listened to His voice. But that wasn't the case. I felt lower than I had ever felt. More alone and afraid than I could put into words. My spirit already felt as if I were dying, and physical death seemed like my only way out of this mess.

The thing that scares me most when I look back on that time is, no one knew how tortured I felt inside. I could’ve done it and nobody would’ve understood why. From that day forward I vowed to God to always tell the truth no matter how hard it is, or how bad it hurts. Nothing hurt more than being found out after lying for so long. 

God has a greater plan for my life. Had I listened to my fears that night I would be dead. My daughter would be motherless, the people that do love me unconditionally would have been confused and hurt. I am overwhelmed with joy that God heard my cry and encouraged me no to give up just yet.

God’s love was the antidote to my fear, the acceptance to my rejection, and my savior in my time of rescuing. My testimony is that the creator of all things loves me unconditionally, and cares about my life. I matter, no matter how big I fuck up. That’s grace that goes beyond understanding.

This was not the first time God has saved my life, just a brief testimony of one of the many. I find that sharing helps others to not feel so alone. Testimony is just the sharing of stories of truth and triumph. 

We see so many suicides in this time because people lack the knowing and the presence of God’s love. I pray that if you have ever contemplated taking your life that you stop to hear what God has to say about it. You will be surprised that there’s nothing you could tell God about you that he doesn’t already know, and he loves you anyway. 

There is no pain you could ever feel, that God Almighty can’t save you from. God is proof that there is indeed life after death.